Finding Out Who I Am …


I last wrote a post about how I wanted to focus on my spiritual path. In other words, I wanted to find answers to the bigger questions I think we’re all asking but not often discussing. For example:


What’s the purpose of human existence?

How do our thoughts impact our lives?

Why do we feel emotions and what do they mean?

Is there a higher power?

And if there is a higher power, how do we reconcile that with all of the sickness and pain that seems to be happening around us?


I think these questions are often dismissed because most people are thinking more along the lines of, “how do I simply get through today?” But I feel like those bigger questions are always in the back of all of our minds. And maybe there’s a really good reason for that.


What if the answers to those questions are our only way out of sickness and pain and suffering?

What if the answers to those big questions automatically answer all of the smaller day-to-day questions?


So hopefully that explains why I’ve (very slowly) made this shift in my life. At this point, I’ve taken a lot of classes, joined several study groups, and made new connections. One of my best discoveries has been that each step has felt like the right step. Like I finally have some clear direction about what matters most to me and why.


And I’m getting more clarity on what my next step needs to be too…


The next step I want to take is to return to my website, but this time with a focus on my spiritual practice. I hope to write about everything I’ve learned. I want to discuss my most interesting discoveries. I plan to share the practices I’ve found most inspiring and helpful. And I’ll talk about the big questions I’m still turning over in my mind.

I can remember the day I first published my food blog like it happened last week (although it was actually ten years ago!). At the time, I had hoped for lots of positive comments on my recipes (“hopefully everyone likes me!”) I wanted to get lots of readers and show up on Google searches (“hopefully I can make money!”)

But my purpose has shifted somewhere along the way. Very slowly, I’ve realized that praise and popularity and admiration and riches aren’t really what I want. Very slowly, I’ve discovered that all I ever really wanted was to know the truth about myself. And what I’m now understanding is that I can only learn what I am by expressing it outwardly.

It’s a dramatic shift from “what can I get?” to “what can I give?”


One of the big reasons I want to turn this website into a journal of my spiritual path is because I now understand that it requires daily practice.


Real world action. For example, Tru’s been interested in basketball lately. He’s read a few books about basketball and watched some games on tv. But he’s only become a good player by making it a daily practice to get out and play. And of course, the beginning stages of learning a new sport are awkward and uncomfortable. There are mistakes and falls and fails and losses. That’s where faith comes in. You have to believe that – with daily practice – you’ll someday become great.

So that’s the angle I’m using when I think about this website and where I want to take it next. I don’t expect it to be perfect or even great, and I don’t expect that from myself either. I just want to practice.



There’s one other thing too. I want to do this for my son Trevor.


Because I’ve noticed how much I’ve wanted to convey this message to him. I’ve wanted him, so much, to follow his heart in everything. Here’s the problem I’ve found:


I’ve only been saying it.

I haven’t been living it.


I’m not taking daily, deliberate action to follow my own heart. If anything, I’m repressing and hiding my heart. And as all parents know, kids don’t listen to what you say, they watch what you do. My words are pretty empty if I’m not living the words. And yes, it’s a lot easier to simply read about spirituality and learn and study and take notes. Living the path is the challenge of a lifetime. This isn’t a journey for the faint of heart! But when I think about the kind of world I want for my son and his generation – the kind of world they deserve – it gives me some courage.


How many lives are frittered away, age after age, in endless coming and going. Find out who you are! -Anandamayi Ma





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